THE FOREVER SINGLE BY CHOICE

It's labor day,I feel relieved to rest in between the week.We should have more of these days twice a month.How I wish I could enforce laws-if wishes were horses beggars would ride on them.Anyhow,am pleased to have this day as am going to my Aunt's place to do lunch.My Aunt Mary is in her early fifties-never married,a model of rectitude with a very noble career.She got the finer things in life hence value frugality and simplicity.My main agenda is to understand through Mary's life if being single in this coupled world is a walk in the park.I want to know the journey as today,here in Kenya,many women are proclaiming that they are going to be single and it feels good.

“Welcome my niece,today its going to be a great afternoon,”Mary said ,bending to kiss the nape of my sleek neck.She is dress in height of fashion,a backless red dress.Its dark,muted shade of red,but still:its red.She had lost her youngness but still she had a onion like figure.She says age is about “attitude and energy.”

The table is set and we move into action as I had run a little late.My Aunts life has always fascinated me and have always wanted to lead a similar life .When we were done eating I decide to invade her private life by asking questions.

"Aunt I want to lead a single life,I have forever admired the way you live,the stress free life,you are very generous as you house the women who have broken marriages till they find their own, the many cars and houses you have build and I bet if you where married you could not have done all this,Right?"

"What! Really?did you say you want to lead a single life? Do you think its easy?"

Our eyes met.Mary held her gaze.I blushed, the bookish schoolgirl -smart enough to see through life.The gaze was broken when Mary's house help brought the red wine on the table.

 Mary reached for her glass and took a long drink 

"Esther It’s scary to walk life by yourself when everybody around you seems coupled."

"Explain to me  Aunt,why its scary to walk alone,my heart wants to understand the language of singlism."

 "Here is part of my story – the part that is relevant to choosing to remain single.I hope that it will stimulate some discussion between and help you know what you are getting yourself into young lady, especially around the notion of internalized singlism – the belief that there is something wrong with us who are not coupled.......,"She clinked her glass on mine."...Uhmmm..When I was young I was very proud to be single.I was a crazy young lady who always wanted to go on trips I did not need someone else’s blessing to do it, and I did not need some boyfriend moaning that he doesn’t want to go, or that I’m leaving him on his own for a couple of weeks.I had admired independent women who did not want to be defined by a relationship."

When I looked at her,I could tell she really savored the best of life in her twenties and loved every bit of it.It made me electrified and saw her youthful years through her eyes.

"Then In my early thirties,after making keys decisions in my life and having shaped it the  way I had always envisioned,I gave love some airtime. I had a bit of a struggling start; lots of trying to get dates and to no avail..I had build my walls too high and let no one try breaking them and if one was close enough to break the walls, I armored myself  and many at times I ran away..When I finally decided to lower my standards and expectation and give love a chance,I met a couple of guys,some were so promising and one in particular was more than promising,I thought I had found the one."  

She tells me of how she met Mathew,half Kenyan,half Malawian,her age-mate,worked in Investments, Lovely eyes, engaging smile, decent height and a full head of hair and very intelligent.They were deeply in love.Mathew was ready to  to walk her down the aisle and be the father to her children and best-friend.When he engaged Mary,she realized she could not stand any degree of control in her life.She immensely fathomed that being in a couple was not hers.Mathew never wanted to do the things she wanted to do,like traveling and going out.She felt very limited and did not like it.She broke the relationship,

"At forties, It  slowly but surely dawned on me that maybe it’s time to come out as single the very same way as gay people do.I needed to tell the world that since 9 years I knew am destined to be single hence will use a forum of equivalent magnitude as gays to declare am single by nature.Yes, just like gays and lesbians had to consciously proclaim their otherness, their homosexuality, it’s was time for me to embrace being single, to consciously proclaim that I am single and that I want to build my life as a single woman.I learned that if I cant get what I want I love what I have and that was to accept am the single type.Single is typical of the breed to which I belong."

I intuitively understood her world

"I finally realized in my 50s that I was happier and more successful .If there is a gap in my life, I don’t want to fill it with a relationship,’ she explains. ‘I fill it with other things, such as exciting hobbies or spending time with friends.But Essy," She took another long drink,"You must give love a chance,just try it out and decide what route to follow.Either the single or coupled."

"What if I don't want to try,what if I am also destined to be single like you." I asked as I rolled my eyes

"Huh,you can never claim that a river has crocodiles if you have not seen them yourself,not all people are happy to be single.Just give love a try,and don't build your walls too high,it might scare investors."

I smiled and took a deep breath trying to register what she has told me in my mind with strings of questions-should I try to understand the language of love or would I rather be single by design rather than by default.

By
Esther Wavinya