THE CONFESSION by Mutie Oscar Ghitto

Dear the world,

I have decided to confess every thing today. Am not going to hold back these feelings any more. I want the world to know what I feel; what makes me tick, what makes me move. I believe that confessing is a very important phenomenon. Ask the Catholics about it. I know that it is time I opened  my heart; to let these feelings flow, to fight repression and the double mind that has been keeping me in the dark. Honestly, Am fed up being in the bowels of darkness for this long. Am fed up for holding tight to my fears, being so conservative and refusing to develop. Am fed up of being that kind of a person whose heart is a prison. Am fed up of being paranoid, and never standing my ground. Today is the day to make my feelings known.

As am writing this, am in war; fighting that voice which is telling me to back off. To retrace my steps and tuck my tail. But I refuse. I refuse to be held back by the fear of public outrage. If I shall be stoned for this, then what do I care? We shall all die. I refuse to be held back by the contemplation of regret. If it is regret, trust me that I have regretted more than I can count.I refuse to be held back by the mere thought of embarrassment . If it is being embarrasssed, believe you me, I have been embarrased more than the hairs on your head. Let the pen bleed. Let the emotions flow. I tell you, I will write with permanent ink, for generations and generations to come. I want this piece to be a family possession. That which shall live in the family archives forever.

Am tired of pussyfooting and beating about the bush. Let the tale be told. If it is a bombshell, let it be dropped. Today, I will be careless more than I was or will ever be. Today, I shall bear my soul bear for all of you to see. I shall be an open book from today hence forth. I shall begin by saying that I love her, and I have always denied it. I have been under the prison of denial for a long time now. It is time I broke out. It is time I discard these chains. It time I washed my face and keep that beautiful and cheerful countenance. That is why I scream as audible as I can be to say that I love her. If I go hoarse, its fine by me. I have known dumb men anyway, and they live! If am termed psychotic, perfect! I have been searching for psychosis for along time now. I welcome the tag. Give me time to express myself. Don't you want to see a naked human soul?

My words might be ambiguous, vague and incoherent. But what do I care? I have listened to stammerers before, and to tell you the truth, they still manage to pass their message. I believe am better of. Its only that am emotional today. I believe that I have never been this emotional since I learned letter A.If you filter my words, you will realize that am struggling to put these words together. Can you imagine? Just because of a woman. And you said that women were good for nothings. Oh well! What else shall I say? Shall I talk of how I terribly miss her? Shall I say her name?

I should probably say her name. Isn't it.? I should shout her name so all of you can know her. Isn't it wonderful if you all knew that girl who causes me sleepless nights? wouldn't it be fair if you knew this girl who has been driving me round the bend, making me loose myself? And to say the truth, I have lost my mind. I do not know whether I will ever find it again. I just hope that God, our loving father, the creature of heaven and earth, shall give me the mercies. After all, he is the one who created this creature, or am I lying to myself? You have the right to know her. I believe our very able constitution has made this very clear. Right to know the truth! So, if anyone knows why the water is boiling and tries to to conceal it, let him be brought to book. Why should we sympathize with truth concealers anyway? They are the ones who are making this country lag behind. It is for this fear of the law, this fear that makes me shudder, that will make me tell you the name of this girl. You know, I should not want to see our beautiful country in the muck just because of a tiny little name that could have been mentioned and things went perfectly ok. Or is it had to pronounce Amani? I believe not. C'mon, even if you had a tongue problem, this shouldn't be that hard. Oh! there you go. I have spilt the name. Truthfully I dare say. Without fear or favour. That is the name. You are now free, and within your legal rights to judge me. I shall welcome your judgment. Do not be afraid of anything! I will hold no grudges. Am cool.

Let me tell you of how it all started. So, there was this particular time...Oh! what is wrong with me? I almost forgot the procedure. Once upon a time, I saw this girl, she was watching the sun set on the balcony. I took a closer look at her and I could not believe my eyes. She was very pretty. I am known for my good sight, if anyone wants to disagree with me or hold those thoughts that am being subjective. She was truly pretty. And by the way, I have seen her pictures today. yes. 3rd april. Just two days after fool's day. She's still gorgeous. With that spark in her eyes that has retained its powers of melting me. Where was I? Right, the balcony. I fell in love with her that day. Am still in love, though am not sure whether am in total control of my faculties today. But I believe that even mad man can tell when they are in love. Love is such a strong thing. I did not believe it until today. I used to hold those feelings you're trying to listen to. That love is for the birds. By God, do birds know how to kiss? Let alone the language of love. I tell you. This lady is beautiful. Am thinking of how I will reposes her. She has another man? Thats the reason am practising the sword. You think its for fun? Wait until I slit someone's throat so that you can understand what am talking about.

Amani I love you. Am not saying it to please anyone. I have no one to please anyway. Except you who deserted me when I needed you the most. Please tell that man to back off, that is, if he still loves his life. If he does not, he can hang around. I won't refuse him. Amani, I love you. Am not sure whether you can accomodate mad men. Men mad in love. I cannot help myself. I know you were wrong, but I apologize for making you think wrong about me. You see, the only problem with me is that I can be a weakling sometimes. I allowed people to push me around. To bully me. That is what disgusted you. isn't it? It is what made you run away. Am a bull dog now. Merciless. I will guard you HAPPINESS. Even if it is in my dreams. But what I know is that one day, you shall be in these arms.


      YOURS FAITHFULLY,
                                         JILTED LOVE, WHO HAS COME BACK TO CLAIM HIS RIGHTFUL PLACE.